The same no more

Hi.

Sometimes, it is as time kinda slows down and something quite unexpected happens.
The world is changing every day, but sometimes it will be the same no more.
- Alf henriksson (my translation)

We are nearing the first stop on this journey...
A change.
And lets face it, without change, life would be rather dull, right?
The basic truth is that change happens constantly.
Its just that some changes affect more than others.
After some changes life will be the same no more.

May the force be with you
Zendad

A part of it too (late part of pregnancy)

Eight days left until duedate.
I'm mostly:

Stressing
(how the hell will I manage this?!)
sleeping
(when I don't get interrupted by needing to turn from one side to another
or having nightmares)
sweat
( how the hell can you sweat like that i the middle of the winter?!)
and drinking water
(but this last part I keep forgetting...)

So. Right now I'm mostly in pain or really tired or just pissed of or scared or... something like that ;)

I guess this is a part of it too
just like all the other parts
all the little parts of feeling
good or bad
or
both at the same time
all the little parts that
makes it
terrifying and lovely
big and scary

So I guess that all I can really do
is  to
hang in there
and hope
with all my heart

that it will all be ok

so will you hope with me?

Love/
Mom

Things, what do you really need?

Hi.

They say that there is a lot of things you have to buy before a baby arrives to your home.
 In general, if you get inside a babyshop or even a general toystore it's easy to believe that you will need every single thing in there to give your child the best childhood it can get.
But what things, in this djungle of things, do you really need?

I don't have a list for you. Since this is my first child, and even moore beacuse the baby hasn't arrived yet, I really don't know exactly what things that will be needed and used. But I do know one thing: you can't possibly need all of the things they sell. So I kind of feel sorry for all of the first-time parents out there who has no idea what you really need to make your child safe and happy. Beacuse lt's face it: we want to to give our child everything. Even if it costs. But from one insecure first-parent to another (and to all parents and everyone who will ever be a parent): think for yourselves. Ask yourselves: Do I/we really need this?


Below, you can see a few things that we did buy,

 We can't decide if it's a cow or a giraffe without the long neck, but hopefully, it will 

become a dear friend ;) 

Well, even how much you want to save in on things, you can't escape the fact that a child will

need a bed. 

Some things, money just can't buy. A piece of art on my stomach by our family.  

Thank you

Love/

mom 

The third wheel...

Hi.

We have been going to an preparation course for the birth and pregnancy which has been an interesting experience to say the least.
So far in the course, I realized one thing, as a man i am only to do one thing, get the woman a glass of water and massage her.
Thats it!
At the course we have been watching a movie on how it can be.
It was like an scripted commercial although they had an naked women give birth in it...
The pink clouds was everywhere, and the men only were there to give massage...
Yeah, right!
Let me tell you this right now, i am not just going to be there to give her a massage, i will do everything i can, and so will she.
As do we always.
And an scripted commercial is not going to cut it.
Women and men have been going through this for ages, just do it!
If you want to add anything extra, thats up to you.
But guys don't just massage her...
In an pregnancy and an childbirth, there is three people, although, it seems only two matters...
And if i'm not important, what am i doing there?
Everything!

May the force be with you
Zendad

Pregnancy - no pink clouds

A pregnancy means that you are growing

maybe in every way possible

maybe the balloon your body are turning into

is filled not only by a baby

but by tears

tears and questions

maybe it's suppose to break you down

break you down so far that you can finally

start to build something

from the beginning

yourself

your newborn baby

your own family

For me, there are no pink clouds.

I'm happy that everyone around me is happy for this

But, for me, there is mostly just

a certain kind of pain in my body

the overwhelming pain

of growing

of looking yourself in the mirror

asking all the hard questions

facing

everything you've ever been

everything you can become

and simply (and as hard as it gets):

yourself

Beacuse let's face it

to be a mother is probably the biggest challenge

you'll ever get

and there are no escapedoors

no running

it's staying through the struggles

and simply staying

right there for your child

through every storm

but what  about when you are the storm? 

what do you do  the moments when
the storm you are trying to protect your child from
is you? 

thank you

love/mom

Nothing really

Nothing.
This is all i can give you, so use it well.
I will stand beside you and help you.
There is nothing stopping you.
There is nothing you cannot do.
What you do with it is up to you.
I wonder so, what you will do with nothing.

May the force be with you
Zendad

About being greatful

Somedays, as a pregnant women, you're mostly complaining.
Or at least youre mostly terrified.
But then comes the days that you are grateful. The days when you actually seem to be able to see the magic of what you are going through. One of those days, for me, were when I got too see  the baby that is growing inside of me on a screen.
When we sat there I was mostly nervous, so nervous that i didn't ask any qustions and neither did the women who did the ultrasoundcheckup. Since this led to us not knowing wich sex our baby is, it made me pissed off for the whole carride home.

But, the mainthing is, i got to see the heart of my baby beat.
I got to se it move, and this, my friends, is something i couldn't be more greatful for.

Another of those days, was when i got a note from my stepson, handwritten by himself.

And let's face it, it's not always easy to be a stepmom. When something is wrong it's mostly me who gets the blame and the yelling. I'm the one who gets tested, i'm the one who gets the trial. Mostly because i'm the one who has the choice to leave him more then his real parents do.
That's how it works.
But with this note, from a happy soon to be big brother, from a little boy who happily tells me that i soon will be a mom for real, I'm greatful in a way that is hard to describe.

It basicly says, first of all, that it's from Jesper (my stepsons name) and then something like:

”I'm waiting for you to get your baby, Jannica.” 

Thank you.

Love/ Mom