The boy with the lovely eyes

The little boy with the lovely eyes
is crawling around in the world now
terrified that I will dissapear

There's a lot to take in
when the world suddenly turns bigger
I can see it in his eyes
and hear it in his shout

I'm exhausted
as most mothers are
somedays i'm jealous at my husband
for having his freedom
his alonetime
and i wonder what i did with mine
before my son was born

But then It hits me
I might be exhausted and scared
but all that fear
all that exhaustion
is probably nothing
compared to what he is feeling
the little boy with the lovely eyes

Its not easy
it probably never will be
I'm not perfect
I will probably bite my tounge
so I won't shout at him some nights

Maybe my biggest mission as a mother
isn't to have all the answers
to do everything right
maybe my biggest mission
is to just
be there

be there
and constantly prove
that I won't ever leave
the boy with the lovely eyes

Some days

Some days I wonder what I'm doing
what I gave myself into

five in the morning
walking around in the neighbourhood with the stroller
pissed of that my son woke up
cause I know him good enough to know
that he is still tired

lunchtime
trying to get him to eat some food
while he loudly scream as a protest
(how  do you get a baby to start eating food?)

nightime
when he wakes up almost once an hour
keeping me from sleeping

Somedays I have absoluteley no idea
how to do this

how to raise kids who are happy and safe
but not
spoiled and ungrateful

how to have more than one kid at home
and still make everyone feel
special
and
loved

when I look at it everyone else seems to have it all
so put together
so wellworking

but then again, how could they?

maybe we are all just really good actors?

and if we are then why?

why can't we just admit it?

there is no freekin dictonary for how to be a parent
there is no "control"
there is just improvising
and praying to who/whatever you believe in
that you get something right


Thank you
Love/
mom

The beauty of being a mother

The other day I had the privilege to sing on a funeral

it was for a young man, 

younger than myself

who died of cancer.

I watched his family say goodbye to him 

watched his mother lean on her loved ones

barely standing up straight

as she said her farewell by the coffin

then I went to get my son

took him aside 

laughed and cried 

at the same time 

thankful that he is ok 

the same night 

i watched my son sleep 

watched his tiny chest

moving up and down 

just feeling lucky 

and terrified

all at once 

what If I loose him?

what If he looses me?

the agony and beauty 

of being a mother 

It all becomes so fragile

it all becomes so terrifying 

but it all also

becomes so 

beautiful. 

Thank you 

Love/ Mom 

A good parent

When do you become a mother?
is it the day a fetus starts to grow inside you
the day you give birth to a child
or the moment you realize
with your whole body
that you are a mother?

I use to think that you have to
act like a parent to be one
is that true?
and can't a parent be anyone
around a child
who takes responsibility for it like
a mother or a father should?

every question leads to the next question

but the biggest question of them all must be
what is a good parent?
and are you ever
 a good enough parent?


Love/
Mom

Our family

Hi.

Time flies, as you say.
And you have no idea what consequenses your actions will have
all your efforts
all the struggles
will my child turn up ok?
will he feel important and loved?
I don't know

but now moore than ever
I fel like I'm a part of something beautiful
part of a family

and what ive learned the past months
moore than ever
is how important it is to smile and have fun
together
there is no perfection
but there is
love
and
forgiveness

with that said I just want to share some  pictures
of my dear family
I love them all, even on my worst days.

love/ mom

Being a mother

All the things you go through as a mother

might makes you ask you the question:

is it worth it?

all the

worries

sadness 

anger

and maybe most of all

the odd feeling of being

in total power 

in the exactly same time as

youre feeling

totally 

powerless 

is it worth it?

you give up your life

you could go travelling 

go wherever you wanted without asking 

without considering 

anybody else 

if you didn't have a child

you tie yourself 

to this child

for at least 18 years 

is it worth it? 

1 june ive been a mother for three months 

and today is the first day that i can honestly say 

at least for myself

that one day I can imagine to have another baby 

beaucuse being a mother

going through a pregnancy 

giving birth to a child

it's painful 

traumatising 

and that's just so far

I will probably scream a thousand times

complain a thusand times

but I can't think of another thing in life 

so far 

that can be so traumatizing 

and still be 

so much worth it 

Update

Hi.

I just read that the latest update on this blog was written the 22th of february. And then i realize that that was the time before our son was born. It's interesting how fast you adjust to such a lifechanging thing. And it's interesting that it's so hard to imagine how life was before this lifechanging thing happened.

February the 29th my water broke. March the 1st I gave birth to Noah. The night between march the 3 and March the 4st they woke me up on the hospital, telling me my son had seizures. After that we lived on the hospital for about 3 weeks while watching our son being caught up by tubes. The doctors took all the tests they possibly could. I mostly looked like a ghost and cried, forcing myself to sit with my son even though it basicly broked my heart to watch him like that. I felt powerless before, but this brought that feeling to a whole new dimension.

A lot could be said about living in a hospital, watching your son and not being able to hold him, hearing the doctors keep telling  you that everything is looking good even though you know that something is wrong. And I could go on about the life in a hospital for the one who wants to hear about it, I might even make a whole page about just that thing. But for now all I want to tell you is that we are all ok. Noah (our son) is home, safe and sound and stabil, He gets medicine once a day but besides that he is like any other baby. Although, in my humble and non objective opinion, he is the most beautiful baby in the world.

Thank you, love/ Mom