Pregnancy - no pink clouds

A pregnancy means that you are growing

maybe in every way possible

maybe the balloon your body are turning into

is filled not only by a baby

but by tears

tears and questions

maybe it's suppose to break you down

break you down so far that you can finally

start to build something

from the beginning

yourself

your newborn baby

your own family

For me, there are no pink clouds.

I'm happy that everyone around me is happy for this

But, for me, there is mostly just

a certain kind of pain in my body

the overwhelming pain

of growing

of looking yourself in the mirror

asking all the hard questions

facing

everything you've ever been

everything you can become

and simply (and as hard as it gets):

yourself

Beacuse let's face it

to be a mother is probably the biggest challenge

you'll ever get

and there are no escapedoors

no running

it's staying through the struggles

and simply staying

right there for your child

through every storm

but what  about when you are the storm? 

what do you do  the moments when
the storm you are trying to protect your child from
is you? 

thank you

love/mom

Nothing really

Nothing.
This is all i can give you, so use it well.
I will stand beside you and help you.
There is nothing stopping you.
There is nothing you cannot do.
What you do with it is up to you.
I wonder so, what you will do with nothing.

May the force be with you
Zendad