Pregnancy - no pink clouds

A pregnancy means that you are growing

maybe in every way possible

maybe the balloon your body are turning into

is filled not only by a baby

but by tears

tears and questions

maybe it's suppose to break you down

break you down so far that you can finally

start to build something

from the beginning

yourself

your newborn baby

your own family

For me, there are no pink clouds.

I'm happy that everyone around me is happy for this

But, for me, there is mostly just

a certain kind of pain in my body

the overwhelming pain

of growing

of looking yourself in the mirror

asking all the hard questions

facing

everything you've ever been

everything you can become

and simply (and as hard as it gets):

yourself

Beacuse let's face it

to be a mother is probably the biggest challenge

you'll ever get

and there are no escapedoors

no running

it's staying through the struggles

and simply staying

right there for your child

through every storm

but what  about when you are the storm? 

what do you do  the moments when
the storm you are trying to protect your child from
is you? 

thank you

love/mom

Nothing really

Nothing.
This is all i can give you, so use it well.
I will stand beside you and help you.
There is nothing stopping you.
There is nothing you cannot do.
What you do with it is up to you.
I wonder so, what you will do with nothing.

May the force be with you
Zendad

About being greatful

Somedays, as a pregnant women, you're mostly complaining.
Or at least youre mostly terrified.
But then comes the days that you are grateful. The days when you actually seem to be able to see the magic of what you are going through. One of those days, for me, were when I got too see  the baby that is growing inside of me on a screen.
When we sat there I was mostly nervous, so nervous that i didn't ask any qustions and neither did the women who did the ultrasoundcheckup. Since this led to us not knowing wich sex our baby is, it made me pissed off for the whole carride home.

But, the mainthing is, i got to see the heart of my baby beat.
I got to se it move, and this, my friends, is something i couldn't be more greatful for.

Another of those days, was when i got a note from my stepson, handwritten by himself.

And let's face it, it's not always easy to be a stepmom. When something is wrong it's mostly me who gets the blame and the yelling. I'm the one who gets tested, i'm the one who gets the trial. Mostly because i'm the one who has the choice to leave him more then his real parents do.
That's how it works.
But with this note, from a happy soon to be big brother, from a little boy who happily tells me that i soon will be a mom for real, I'm greatful in a way that is hard to describe.

It basicly says, first of all, that it's from Jesper (my stepsons name) and then something like:

”I'm waiting for you to get your baby, Jannica.” 

Thank you.

Love/ Mom 

It's all good practice

Hi.

Right.

So i am, apparently, going to be a dad, again.

Here are some initial questions to get us starting...

We all know how babies are made, but how about fathers?

When a child is born a mother is born, but what about the father?

And AGAIN?

I mean, how many times am i going to be a dad?

Can't i just stay a dad?

Why am i always going to, and where is this place i am going to?

On tuesday we get to go for ultrasoundcheckup and it will be the first real evidence of the something growing.

I imagine the impact that will have on us, as parents, family, and the people around us.

Foremost i think it will have an impact on my son, as he gets an picture of what is happening, and what is coming.

Whatever happens at the ultrasoundcheckup, and what we find out, its all good practice.

Or as another zenmaster always says, ”Shit happens- good fertilizer.”

And between you and me, i hope i get to do more things like this.

But if not, ”Its all good practice.”

Thank you for your practice.

May the force be with you

Zendad

The basic stuff ( a list)

So to the basic stuff. To the list over things that makes you notice that youre actually pregnant. The things that you suddenly seem to have/do. Sort of like new temporary superpowers and new interesting ways of life.

* You suddenly feel like you have a 6^th sense: An extreme improvement of being able to smell everything that you before the pregnancy didn't even noticed had a smell at all. The downside is that most of it makes you want to puke.

* The ability to start laughing so hard that it makes you cry, and when you start crying you start laughing at the fact that youre crying. It's a bit scary but at the same time hilarious.

* The loss of aptite the first three months leads to the superpower of being able to basicly live on swedish rye bread with different things on it and for the need of fat: a bag of chips.

* The fact that you can blame your moody days on your pregnancyhormones.

There is probably more to add to the list, but this is what i can think of for the moment. I hope you enjoyed it :)

Love/

Mom

P.S
Of course this is my own subjective experience, i heard it's different for everyone, but what do I know? ;)

The other side of pregnancy

Some have the thought that all becoming mothers walk through their whole pregnancy as if they were walking on pink fluffy clouds

That all they do is being excited about the child

the child that is suppose to come out of their body.

cause its Amazing isnt it?

there is a lifeform growing inside!

But what no one said was that it can also lead to

a crisis

to brooding

worries,

fear

beacuse let's face it:

a change is coming.

And it's not small.

It's a big overwhelming wave

coming our way

and it's beautiful

magnificent.

But how can we possibly imagine it before it arrives?

How can we possibly know how we will handle it's consequences? 

Love/ Mom 

Welcome

Welcome to our blog. To Zendad and the ( in her own opinion) not so zenmom. This is about a new life thats in progress inside moms body, about the questions and perks of parenting a child she did not give life to. It's also about being a Zendad, about the interesting quest to sometimes be between his son and his loved one and about becoming a dad for the second time. It's about challenges, thoughts, laughs, issues and the warm feeling you get of a child. Basicly it's about a modern family, asking questions and making statements about what it's really like (from a subjective perspective of course) to be and to become a parent. So welcome, glad to have you here.

Love/

Zendad and mom.